Planning frustration

He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign. ~Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

How true! Planning is not my strong suit. If it were, I would not be struggling so to get somewhere with my life. But then, that's not totally true. I do plan to some extent (more planning, of course, would be beneficial). It's my inability to successfully work around the blips in my plan that throws me for a loop.

Frustration has plagued me these past few days. I have items on my agenda to accomplish. I want to accomplish them. But my teething baby has other things on her agenda. Like crying. And wanting to be held ALL the time. And my three-year-old wunderkind has other things on her agenda. Like taking everything out of her room and bringing it downstairs. And emptying the contents of our pantry onto the kitchen floor as she searches for the marshmallows she knows I've hidden someplace in there. And the two older daughters, though easier by far to work around, also have different things on their agendas. Like going swimming in our pool. And having friends sleep over. And going shopping.

Yesterday I worked on one page--one lousy page--for dh's website, and it's still not done. I'd type a couple of words (one-handed, of course) and the baby would kick the keyboard and type gf hgfgfgdh with her heel, or close the page entirely. (It's truly amazing what a wriggling seven-month-old can accomplish with just her heels and a laptop keyboard!) I'd get my thoughts back in order, type a few more words, and the three-year-old--wanting my attention, naturally--squeezes herself into the three square inches remaining on my lap, the one that's already holding a squirming baby and a precariously perched laptop. "Can we make cupcakes, Mommy? Then can we go outside and you can watch me do my tumble on the trampoline? Can we, Mommy? Mommy Mommy Mommy?" Then the always hungry ten-year-old starts asking what's for dinner, when is dinner, can I start dinner NOW? And the twelve-year-old asks if her friend can sleep over. Then hubby calls every five minutes to see if UPS delivered his equipment yet. "No, honey. I PROMISE I'll call you when it comes." Type a couple of words, and he calls again.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Okay, rant over.

And as for that quote (that I intended to write about as I started this entry)...well, I'm working on all that planning stuff. Sometimes, however, chaos reigns even when you have a plan. It's how you deal with that chaos that matters.

Right now I'm not dealing with it very well.

Tight writing

Normally, tight writing is good. Something you strive for. Excess words eliminated, passive phrases turned active, cliches killed in action. When I write tight in this fashion, I'm happy.

But sometimes, tight writing is bad. This tight writing stems from the rigid stance--physical, mental and emotional--that overtakes me some days. The tautness in my shoulders works its way into my brain. Even my fingers struggle to hit the right keys as I type. Stiff words, stilted phrases and apathy fill the page.

On these days, I'm very serious, easily annoyed and just want to be left alone. I'm frustrated by my seeming inability to do it all. To do much of anything, really.

On these days, little voices demanding attention don't get the response they deserve. I snap at them, feeling guilty even as the irritated words leave my mouth, but unable to stop.

I try to reason myself into relaxation, but instead, my tension builds.

My shoulders practically touch my ears they're scrunched so tightly. My nerve endings shoot fire at the slightest touch. My temples pound harder with every beat of my heart. I want to run and run and run to release the negative energy back into the atmosphere so it can find another soul to inhabit.

But I can't.

So I wait it out. Try to ignore it. Pretend I feel fine, relaxed, calm, happy. I force a smile or choke out a laugh at the appropriate moments, but their falsehood is obvious even to me. The kids sense it. My husband senses it. Even the dog senses it.

And it comes out in my writing. Choked. Angry. Depressing. Frustrated.

Tight.

But not the good kind.

Brain freeze

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.— Robert Frost

On finding this quote at Bookreporter through Refdesk.com, I knew I had to use it in my blog. It fits my writing perfectly! :-)

When I'm away from my computer, all kinds of wonderful ideas tickle my brain cells and then run off to hide. Since I have yet to perfect the practice of writing these thoughts down before they escape, I spend way too much time trying to recapture them when I finally do sit down to write.

Unfortunately, the lost thoughts outnumber the found ones. And the ones I do catch, I often deem unworkable...too trite, overused, boring or just plain crap.

And then finding any words to put on the page becomes difficult. It's like losing--or even nixing--a few ideas puts a credit hold on my brain.

Some call it writer's block, but I call it brain freeze. I'm not just blocked. I'm completely frozen.

I can't think of a single thing worthy of a keystroke, much less actual ink.

Lately I've heard several people refer to Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way and her prescribed morning pages ritual. I actually went so far as to order the book, but have yet to open it. For one thing, writing for 30 minutes in longhand would not only lead to totally illegible writing, but to a crippled hand! I'm also wondering what those pages accomplish that typing in this blog, or in any journal, won't.

Seems like the key is not letting those miscellaneous thoughts get lost in the first place. Buying several small notebooks and placing them in strategic (yet well-hidden from the 3yo's super-power eyes and ability to get at just about anything!) locations throughout the house might help me fix this problem.

I also need to go a few steps beyond just thinking of an idea before calling it crap. Most ideas may indeed be crap in the first instance. BUT, if I take the time to look at each idea from multiple angles--stretch it, tweak it, turn it this way, that way, upside down and inside out--then I might just hit upon that one unique angle that makes my crappy idea a very marketable one.

Patience and persistence. Keeping at it despite feeling frustrated. Not throwing my hands up in the air saying, "I can't DO this!" (Funny, these are the exact same things I'm trying to impress upon my easily-frustrated 3yo. Geez, I wonder where she gets it from? LOL!)

Thing is, if I want to write for publication and be paid for it, I can't keep freezing when I sit down to write. The two are mutually exclusive.

And I do want to be a published, paid writer. Guess it's time to thaw out this brain of mine.

Match, anyone?

Writing spots

As a teenager taken over by my newfound love of writing, I wrote everywhere...in my room, in the car, on the porch...pretty much anyplace where I could sit with pen in hand and notebook on knees.

And I discovered I loved to write outside. Years of endless summer days spent exploring nearby fields harvested special writing spots to which I often escaped:

The lone tree centered at the base of a small hollow so steep only the uppermost branches were visible just a few short feet from its perimeter.

The long-abandoned, overgrown farmer's passageway connecting the higher-ground fields to those at the lower level, outlined by stonewalls painstakingly layered by hand generations ago, and marked at each end by delapidated remnants of gate.

Beside the narrow stream as it entered the culvert passing under the main road above, near the water wheel of the deserted mill set a surprising distance from its dirt road access.

Atop Buck Hill, perched on a rock too large to be picked by the local boys employed to do just that each spring, surrounded by second-cut hay waiting to be baled and overlooking our farmhouse, barn, pond and maple grove.

I loved the solace that each spot's isolation gave to me. I could lose myself in my words, and gain myself in their release.

Today those special writing spots are not within my physical reach. But if I close my eyes, I can see them as vividly as if I stood there still. If I keep at it long enough, I'm amazed to feel the solace begin penetrating my soul once again.

The trick is holding onto this feeling long enough to lose myself in my words yet again so I can regain myself in their release.

But that next interruption always seems to come along, shattering my memories and the inherent soulful tranquility they bring.

Sing (Kai's prompt)

Sing - what makes YOUR soul sing?

Seems like this should be an easy question, but it's not. Let me think to the occasions when it does sing.

When I accomplish something difficult, my soul sings.

When I work my body hard--and survive--my soul sings.

When I witness my children performing selfless acts of love, caring and kindness--without being prompted--my soul sings.

When dh compliments me with no trace of sarcasm, my soul sings.

When my eldest daughter and dh (her step-dad) get along, my soul sings. Well, maybe that one's more a sigh of relief.

When my children recover from being sick, or get a clean bill of health at their check-ups, my soul sings.

When I watch my children play, or overhear them chattering amongst themselves or with their friends, or listen to their deep, even breathing as they sleep, my soul sings.

When I can ease my children's hurts and fears, when I can make them laugh and stop their tears, when they light up at a simple compliment, when they grin at me with love and glee, or when their growing bodies melt into my hugs, my soul sings.

When my husband gets past his insecurities and trusts in my love and in how I love, my soul sings.

When I talk with someone who actually gets me, my soul sings.

When I'm with someone who loves me just the way I am, my soul sings.

When I'm able to spend a little time all by myself to reenergize, my soul sings.

When I write something that I think is really quite good--and someone else agrees with me--my soul sings.

When someone wants to publish my words, my soul sings.

When the words somehow just fall out of my mind and onto the page, when I get into the flow and time passes in an instant, when I'm totally loving, living and breathing my writing, my soul sings.

When I can write without fearing retribution, my soul will sing some more.

Goals (3-a) - Week Two

Time to update my goals. I'll start by stating my initial overall and first week goals. Then I'll report on what I actually accomplished. Finally, I'll state both my original and revised goals for week two.

WARNING: Week one bombed.

From my original goal post:
Earning some cash is a big priority right now. My writing goal must support that priority. Therefore, my overall goal is to write webste copy for dh's business and for my fledgling commercial writing business.

I've put off writing them long enough.

Having decent websites to which we can direct existing and potential clients will enhance our professionalism and solidify our businesses in those customers' minds. This, in turn, will (hopefully!) generate new and repeat business and earn us that cash we need.

First Week Goals:
1. Draft an outline of what pages I need to write for each website.
2. Develop 2-3 ideas for content on each page.

First Week Accomplishments:
Nothing on paper. My thoughts about this just don't count as progress.

Second Week Goals - Original:
1. Review content ideas for dh's website with dh.
2. Write first draft of dh's content.
3. Seek external review of first draft from someone more knowedgable than myself. (Any volunteers?)

Second Week Goals - Revised:
1. Draft an outline of what pages I need to write for each website.
2. Develop 2-3 ideas for content on each page.
3. Review content ideas for dh's website with dh.
4. Write first draft of dh's content.
5. Seek external review of first draft.


I'd better get serious about this and get to work. My bite-sized chunks have turned into mouthfuls...and I can blame no one but myself.

Writing routine (3-b)

So....Assignment b this week - what's your routine? From start to finish, what do you do on an average session when you sit down and write. I'm not looking for a day - I'm looking for an average breakdown of a couple of hours. Lets see what you get up to!

I'm not so sure I have a set routine. This I do know: Having a 7-month-old baby who requires my arms around her to sleep adds one-handed typing and breast exposure to the mix. For now, anyway.

I always check my e-mail before I start to write. I used to read all of my new messages, too, until I finally admitted to myself that reading them all left me with no time to write. Now I just read the ones that either require immediate attention or are just too juicy to pass up! :-)

I always have a beverage at hand. If I write in the morning, it's hot, black coffee. Mid-day calls for a Diet Coke. Otherwise, a tumbler of ice-water sits at my right.

To write here in my blog, I sometimes read the other BC blogs first, but I usually try to give it a go on my own. I fear downgrading my own thoughts on a topic if I read someone else's point of view first. But so long as I have my drink to my right and my baby at my breast, I am blog ready.

When I go to write anything else, I research first. I research WAY too much. Instead of outlining something specific to write about and determining what I specifically need to learn about in order to write about it, I pick a topic and try to become an expert at it before I write a word.

You can guess how much time I waste in doing this.

When even I can't put off the writing any longer, I make sure all my research is at hand. I have my drink to my right, my favorite pens at hand, and my baby at my breast. (smile.) I open up Word. I open up my American-Heritage Dictionary software and WordMenu.

Then I try to write.

Unlike Heather, I don't write in bursts. I write slowly and painstakingly. I type a word or a phrase, and then check my notes for accuracy. I reword, rephrase and reposition, paragraph by paragraph. It's a very slow and almost painful process. I think I put off the writing for so long because it takes me so damn long to write anything.

Anything not of a personal nature, that is.

I don't write for a set amount of time. I write (my form of it, anyway) until I'm forced to stop because I need to do something else, like get juice for the 3yo, or start dinner, or, as is the case right now, find a bill that dh wants me to find and pay RIGHT NOW even though it's Sunday and it's not going anywhere until tomorrow.

So I guess my entry for today is done.

Writing what comes naturally

In my post titled Work, I asked:

And in our writing, why do we feel, just because a certain type of writing comes easily to us, that it's not worthy of our primary focus? That we should be writing something else?

I kept thinking about that question after I posted the entry. It's been nagging at me, actually.

And I'm torn in how I think about it.

One side of me thinks that if the writing flows naturally and I enjoy it, then this is the writing that I should be doing.

But then the other side of me argues that point. If I concentrate only on the writing that comes easily, where is the challenge to become a better writer?

Granted, even writing that flows naturally can stand improvement. As writers, we can always improve our craft and become better writers by doing so.

But if I focus on just one type of writing, aren't I limiting myself?

Attempting different types of writing ought to strengthen my overall skills as a writer. Forcing myself out of my comfort zone could bring different perspectives and new passions to the words I write. Who knows? I might discover a genre that flows with even greater ease than my original forum.

But I won't discover anything if I play it safe and stick to just one type of writing.

I've always thought that I could only write nonfiction. That I lacked the creativity to write fiction. Good fiction, anyway.

Why do I think that? Because writing fiction is hard for me. It doesn't come easily. I get bogged down in details and lose the story. I get frustrated, say "I suck at this" and give up.

Could I gain anything by trying again? By learning the components of good fiction and trying to incorporate them into my stories instead of thinking I can just throw some words on a page and have them be good? After much practice, might I actually write a decent story? Might it actually get easier and more enjoyable? Will I ever know if I don't at least try?

Even if I ultimately decide that nonfiction articles or personal essays are what I want to write, anything I learn while experimenting with other writing forms will find its way into my work and make it stronger.

So, while I still think that we should be able to focus on the writing that comes most naturally to us, the writing that we most love to do, we actually do ourselves a disservice if we write only in that form.

If I'm going to write, I want it to always be lively, passionate and fun. I want to continuously grow, learn and improve my craft. If I want to be a good writer, I need to take risks.

For some reason, that no longer seems so scary.

An admission

No deep self-analyses today. Just an admission.

I'm not excited about my first bootcamp writing goal.

However, sometimes reality forces us to focus less on spiritual food and more on the kind we can actually eat. When things improve on the home budget front, I will focus on more "fun" types of writing.

Not that writing website copy can't be fun. It can...and maybe even will once I get rolling on it. As long as I don't overthink it, that is. Then I suck the life completely out of it.

We have 11 weeks remaining in bootcamp. If I can get my first goal accomplished in the next four weeks, then I have seven weeks in which to set a new goal (or two, or more!).

Maybe my next goal(s) can feed my soul as well as my children.

In the meantime, my soul will have to settle for what I type in this blog.

Goals (3-a)

Kai's Assignment:
Set yourself a goal for the month, then break it down.
Post those four weeks in FOUR separate posts on your blogs, and your overall at the beginning.

We're supposed to set only one overall goal for the month, so I'd better make it a good one! :-)

Earning some cash is a big priority right now. My writing goal must support that priority. Therefore, my overall goal is to write webste copy for dh's business and for my fledgling commercial writing business.

I've put off writing them long enough.

Having decent websites to which we can direct existing and potential clients will enhance our professionalism and solidify our businesses in those customers' minds. This, in turn, will (hopefully!) generate new and repeat business and earn us that cash we need.

First Week Goals
1. Draft an outline of what pages I need to write for each website.
2. Develop 2-3 ideas for content on each page.

Second Week Goals
1. Review content ideas for dh's website with dh.
2. Write first draft of dh's content.
3. Seek external review of first draft from someone more knowedgable than myself. (Any volunteers?)

Third Week Goals
1. Revise as necessary based on suggestions made in the external review accomplished last week.
2. Review draft with dh.
3. Revise and submit to dh for final approval.
4. Write first draft for my web pages,

Fourth Week Goals
1. Seek external review of first draft from someone more knowledgable than myself. (I avail myself to you all once again. Any volunteers?)
2. Revise as necessary based on suggestions in step 1.
3. FINALLY, after piddling with this thing FOREVER, upload the web pages to my website.

I know I'm supposed to put these in four separate posts, but I wanted to just get them all written down in one spot to begin with. Tomorrow I will separate them out into four different entries.

Two week evaluation

I've had an incredibly awesome, mind-altering two weeks. The bootcamp assignments started my inner revelations, but the one requirement to write about writing in our blogs each day is what helped me break through my personal Great Wall. While personal issues have kept our drill sergeant from providing much feedback in these two weeks, the blogs of--and comments from--other bootcamp recruits have filled the void and kept me inspired.

Why are they obstacles? (2-b)

Kai wrote:
So why are your obstacles actually obstacles, and what can you do to turn them from obstacles into things you can do work around?

In my post for assignment 2-a, I listed several obstacles. I'll answer this assignment one obstacle at a time.

Obstacle 1. I'm a SAHM to four girls ranging in age from 12-years to almost-7-months. Daytime hours are one constant interruption...as they probably should be (to some extent anyway) or why bother being a SAHM. I'm also responsible for doing the books for DH's business, which cuts into any spare time even more.

Why is this an obstacle? Because the interruptions break into my thought process. I lose track of where I am and where I'm trying to go. They're an obstacle because I'm not home to be a writer. I'm home to be a Mom...and tending to the little ones' needs is the biggest part of that job description. And as for taking care of dh's books, well, that's temporary until he's bringing enough money in to hire someone else to do it for him. In the meantime, he needs the help and I have the ability to do that. It does take time away from writing, but his business enables me to stay home with my/our kids and to try to write.

How can I work around these obstacles? I'm trying to as best I can. I use naptime to either write or work on dh's books. I also stay up later than I probably should. Sometimes I use the TV to occupy the 3yo. The baby is usually in my lap anyway. On occasion, my Mom comes over to help me out. However, she is not as enamored with helping me out so I can write as she is of helping me out so I can do things around the house or work on dh's books. (Again, it's the whole writing isn't work mentality.) On VERY rare occasions, dh will take the 3yo out for a few hours so I can work on something. However, he hasn't done that since the baby was born...and she's now seven months old.

The best way I can use this particular obstacle to my favor is to incorporate it into my writing. Use what I encounter everyday to write an essay or as the basis for an informative article that I could sell to a parenting publication. But unless I make a wonderful discovery as I research an article on working through the interruptions, the interruptions will continue and I will continue to be distracted by them.

Obstacle 2. After so many years of trying to fit someone else's mold of me, I lost me. I lost passion and I lost creativity. I need to reclaim those things before I can write with them.

This is an obstacle because I'm coming from a dull, dark void where I had no thoughts, no opinions, no passion and few feelings. Any creativity that I once had atrophied as I wallowed in the abyss for over twenty years. As bootcamp started, I sat at the base of a huge precipice. Writing was--is--my only means of scaling it. My first steps have been fueled by sheer willpower. I will NOT be in the abyss any longer. Each subsequent step refills a little bit of that lost passion and creativity. By the time I reach the top, I expect to have reclaimed what I lost and be ready to surge ahead. I know what it's like in the void. I don't ever want to be there again.

Obstacle 3. My time management skills are horrendous. I waste a lot of time.

The reason why this is an obastacle is obvious. What can I do about it? Set goals. Make lists. Break things down into bite-size chunks that I can accomplish in an organized manner and check off as complete.

Obstacle 4. I keep losing that belief in myself. I posted before that I always felt like a fraud when I tried to fit in with people so unlike me. And now I feel like a fraud as a writer because I took so much time away from it. If I wanted to write, why didn't I just write? What makes me so sure that I can do it now? What makes me think I'm any good? I fear putting myself out there. But without putting myself out there, I get nowhere.

This is an obstacle because I expect too much from myself (to be perfect) and too little from myself (why bother trying when I'll probably just screw it up). It's an obstacle because I'm not allowing myself to experiment, to fail, to learn and to grow. Why should anyone else give me a chance when I won't give one to myself? If I don't believe in myself, how in the world will anybody else? If I don't put myself out there, how will I ever go anywhere?

The answer to turning this obstacle around is simple: just write. Put words down on a page. Whatever words come into my head. See where they go. Nine times out of ten they go someplace that's really not all that bad. Sometimes they even have a point to them, a point that others can understand as well as I. By just writing, I do risk negative feedback and argument. But what is the worst that can come from that? Hurt feelings. Will it kill me? No. And what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

And what I write should only get better.

Obstacle 5. ME. I am my biggest obstacle.

I set up my own roadblocks. I create barriers where none existed before. I always have some excuse: I don't know enough. I'm not good enough. I don't have enough experience. Everybody else is so much better at this than me. I just don't have the time. And on and on and on...

Recognizing this self-defeating behavior is the first step to turning it around. I was starting to see the behavior before, but the first bootcamp exercises substantiated it for me.

I'm now starting to turn it around.

I'm writing everyday in an online journal. I'm not hiding behind the safety of a notebook or a private Word doc (though these venues have their purpose, too). Not only have I opened myself up for feedback, I practically beg for it. :-)

Also, just yesterday, I admitted to dh that I'm doing this bootcamp and that I'm posting to a blog. I was hiding it from him until now. He rolled his eyes and laughed at me. I could hear his thoughts as though he said them aloud: "Another time-waster." Next will come his comments about me having enough time to write in a blog but not having enough time to write something for his website.

But I think this time I'm ready for those comments.

Before starting bootcamp, I was afraid that anything I wrote for dh's website would be garbage. But I'm not afraid of that anymore. I can write. I have TONS of room for improvement, that's for sure. But...I CAN WRITE. (In fact, I now feel ready to start working on his website. Maybe I'll work on that later tonight.)

These daily blog entries--and the feedback I get from them--are giving me great confidence in my writing ability. Writing these entries helps me organize my thoughts and teaches me how to focus. This daily writing actually energizes me. I have felt more alive in the past two weeks than I have in twenty years.

I now know--and accept--that I need to write to feel whole. I need to write to grow. I need to write to live my life to it's fullest. Without writing, I wither and my soul dies.

Now if I can just maneuver around that first obstacle, I think I can take care of the rest.

One piece at a time

I struggle with breaking projects down into manageable pieces. I tend to look at the project as a whole and attack it from that perspective. As a result, I bounce from one idea to the next, research this and that, and lose focus on the one idea that I should be trying to get across. I end up trying to accompish too much with one piece of writing, but actually accomplishing none of it...at least none of it well.

I have the same problem with setting goals, both writing-related and not. I have a million different goals in mind, but I can't seem to break those down into the babysteps I need to accomplish in order to reach my goal. I go at my goals haphazardly, focusing first on this goal, then on that goal, and bemoan the fact that I'm going 90mph but getting nowhere.

I read somewhere that I have to think SMALL. Concentrate on completing just ONE LITTLE TASK, then mark it off the list. Done. Complete. An actual ACCOMPLISHMENT. Keep doing that and eventually the project will be finished.

It sounds so simple, and it makes so much sense. So why is it so hard to do?

Work

I don't know many people who love what they do. They spend the majority of their waking hours waiting for quitting time, only to spend those hours dreading their return to hell. There's a reason it's called work...it's not fun!

I know. I've been there.

It's drudgery. A chore.

So in those rare instances when we find--and pursue--our true calling, the "work" label no longer seems to fit. But since we're not in misery, we too often feel that we're not doing enough. If we were, then it wouldn't--it couldn't--be so enjoyable.

What kind of twisted thinking is that, anyway?

Why do we think, if it doesn't feel like "work," that we're not actually accomplishing something?Why do we feel, when we love what we do, that we should be doing something else?
And in our writing, why do we feel, just because a certain type of writing comes easily to us, that it's not worthy of our primary focus? That we should be writing something else?

It just doesn't make sense, though I understand where it comes from.

We are surrounded by people who are unhappy with a good portion of their days. And here we are, many of us at-home Moms, grateful that we can stay home with our children and do the one thing we are passionate about: write. Some of us earn a living at it, some of us don't (yet). For those of us that don't, we are made to feel guilty about the time we spend with our notebooks or at our computers. We lower writing on our list of priorities because the non-writers around us just don't get it. If we enjoy our writing so much, and if we'd rather do something writing-related instead of watching TV or going to bed, then it must be a hobby. By definition, it can't be work. And while we're at it, what gives us the right to even think of calling it "our work?" Who do we really think we are?

What they don't understand is that good writing takes practice. It takes all kinds of writing to improve our craft, including emails and blogs. What to the non-writer seems like a waste of time is, to a writer, yet another way to test all the ways in which our words can come together to tell the story we want to tell.

No writing is a waste of time. And even the writing that comes most naturally to us, be it essays, poems or science fiction stories, can be a struggle when the words don't come together quite as we planned. But to think we are working on the wrong type of writing because we think we don't struggle enough is just insane.

All writing is work. But WE have to learn to value the time and effort we put into our work or no one else will either.

And if we writers just happen to have fun and love what we do, then so be it. We're one of the few who have found what we were put on Earth to do. Consider it a blessing.

Maybe those who love us will eventally see it that way, too.

I wish...

What do I wish for as a writer? I wish to write words that provoke a response. Whether it's a personal essay or an informative article, I want to share a piece of myself and to touch my readers in some way. I want them to see what I write about. I want to draw pictures with my words without resorting to tired cliches. The whole "show not tell" thing.

What made me think of this? Well, last night when I checked on my baby before going to bed, I spent a long moment just taking her in. She slept with her arms straight over her head, as if she were swinging from a monkey bar. The sage green fleece grazing her chin swelled gently with each breath, and as I watched, my heart swelled right along with it. So many emotions--love, pride, protection--swept over me in that moment, and I wondered if I could ever write in such a way that a reader would feel them the way I did right then.

I suppose it takes practice. I'm just starting the book Writing for Story by Jon Franklin. Basically, it's about applying fiction techniques to nonfiction stories to make them more readable, interesting, and evocative. I think another term for this is creative nonfiction. I hope to learn how to pen my prose with more show than tell, because right now my prose is pretty dull and ordinary. I don't write in such a way that it stands out from the rest of the mundane crowd (present bootcamp company excluded, of course!). And if I want to earn a comfortable living as a writer, I need to be different enough to be heard above the din of mediocrity.

In so many ways, I overthink my writing, and that is when I tell more than show, among other things...but I think I'll leave that as a topic for another day! :-)

Treasure hunt

What does this blog represent to me? I liked Heather's sandbox analogy, but the same does not hold true for me. While I hope to someday be as confident as Heather in my knowledge, in my opinions and in the words I choose to express them, I'm not there yet.

So I search for a good analogy.

A bridge, perhaps? A bridge that crosses from the island of my mind to the shore of a greater audience.

But any writing will do that, not just this blog. What differentiates this blog from any other writing I might do?

To answer that question, let me first explore what I hope to accomplish with this blog.

• With this blog I hope to reclaim thoughts, opinions and words of my own.
• With this blog, I hope to discern what goes on around me and learn to convey what it means to me in a clear, interesting and evocative way.
• With this blog, I hope to learn to write in such a way that I provoke some response--any response--from my readers.
• With this blog, I hope to push through my fear of putting ME "out there," risking judgment and negative feedback.
• With this blog, I hope to develop a stronger belief in myself and confidence in my reclaimed thoughts, opinions and words.
• With this blog, I hope to recognize my voice and learn how to strengthen it.
• With this blog, I hope to become a better writer.

Okay, so now that I know what I hope to accomplish with this blog, what might be a good analogy?

A map, perhaps?

No, that doesn't work. While I have clear start and end points, I don't have finite points in beween at which I need to stop. At least, that's not how I think of this blog. I plan to do more meandering here, always seeking the ultimate treasure but, in the meantime, enjoying the little surprises that I find along the way.

Hmmm...Seeking the ultimate treasure, but enjoying the little surprises along the way...

THAT'S IT! I've got my analogy!

My blog is a treasure hunt.

I'm starting with little more than my desire to write and earn a living through writing. With each entry, I learn a little more about myself, about what works in my writing and what doesn't. These are the little surprises that I will find--that I already am finding--as I seek my ultimate treasure.

While I also get to play with words as I post to this blog, it's playing with a purpose. And each post that yields some sort of discovery, be it personal or writing-related, means I've found one of the symbols on my treasure map, and that means I'm one step closer to my treasure.

However, it's up to me to recognize and acknowledge each reward and to understand how it ties in with each lesson I've learned before. Only then can I continue on this fantastic quest for that elusive spot marked X...the treasure: me, a writer earning a comfortble living through writing.

Battling obstacles

If you need a prompt for your daily writing, just go to Heather's blog. She'll give you something to think--and write--about! Today she wrote about turning obstacles into enemies, and how she moves into battle mode until she plows through them.

Wow.

Can I learn how to do that, too? Me, the person who avoids confrontation at all costs?

Maybe.

Maybe this is a good place to begin...battling the obstacles--the EXCUSES--that I use to keep me from writing.

Interruptions are one of my obstacles. I've been interrupted no less than SIX times...now seven...and before I finished typing "seven" came eight and nine! And here I blame my internal critic for my slow writing pace. (Of course, that critic does slow me down for sure, but the interruptions are HUGE distractions.) I need to learn how to keep my focus despite the distractions because, with my youngest child only 7-months-old, I have many years of interruptions ahead of me yet!

But I like the idea of battling my obstacles. After so many years of complacency, I'm ready for a good fight. Besides, it might help my marriage to fight the obstacles instead of DH...even though at times he is one of my obstacles...!!

Planning and forethought (2-a)

From Kai:

Lets all talk total hypotheticals for a moment. Within us all is the power to succeed at anything we put out mind to, which is fact.
Another fact is that if we believe in ourselves, the rest will fall into place.
So, purely hypothetically, what's your ideal?
How far can you be towards it by bootcamp's end?
And why would it be purely hypothetical (list your obstacles) :)

How long is bootcamp? Thirteen weeks? And we're down one, so that means twelve to go. Okay, here goes...!

My hypothetical ideal is to earn a comfortable living writing things I'm passionate about.

Ideally:

• I would write these things during normal daytime hours, with little or no interruption.
• I would have plenty of time to read in order to refuel my writing.
• I would be able to vary my writing: articles, essays, corporate writing...and maybe even try some fiction.
• I would do some type of journaling each day to strengthen my still-to-be-defined voice, to learn more about myself, and to stay focused.
• I would be an awesome role model for my girls.

How far can I go in the next twelve weeks? Well, at the very least I can journal each day in my blog. At the most, I can organize my days to PLAN writing time, reading time, and family time. OH, and work for DH time, too. And bill paying time. And laundry and clean the house time. And cook time. YIKES! See, this is where I start to feel overwhelmed.

Obstacles:

• I'm a SAHM to four girls ranging in age from 12-years to almost-7-months. Daytime hours are one constant interruption...as they probably should be (to some extent anyway) or why bother being a SAHM. I'm also responsible for doing the books for DH's business, which cuts into any spare time even more.
• After so many years of trying to fit someone else's mold of me, I lost me. I lost passion and I lost creativity. I need to reclaim those things before I can write with them.
• My time management skills are horrendous. I waste a lot of time.
• I keep losing that belief in myself. I posted before that I always felt like a fraud when I tried to fit in with people so unlike me. And now I feel like a fraud as a writer because I took so much time away from it. If I wanted to write, why didn't I just write? What makes me so sure that I can do it now? What makes me think I'm any good? I fear putting myself out there. But without putting myself out there, I get nowhere.
• ME. I am my biggest obstacle.

Epiphany?

Long ago, in a far away land , lived a girl who loved to write. She spent hours penning thoughts into her journal. She wrote poetry and song lyrics, and occasionally attempted short stories, though she knew her writing strengths lay elsewhere. She wrote for the school paper and edited the literary journal. She loved research projects that culminated in term papers, and her teachers encouraged her to keep writing.

She went off to college majoring in English with a Communications minor. She planned to teach English and to write. She loved her classes and easily pulled a 4.0 average her freshman year.

But she caved in to those who knew "better," and she transferred to a different college, closer to home, to pursue a "better" degree in business.

She struggled the next three years to understand her courses. She got honorable grades, but all that business stuff did not come naturally. Whereas writing was intuitive, financial analysis was not. But, since it was "better," she stuck with it.

For the next 20 years, she dreamed of writing, but she didn't write. She had surrounded herself with people very much unlike the writer she dreamed of being. She tried to be like them, but she never fit in. She always felt like a fraud. She stifled her opinions. She suppressed her thoughts. She lost her words. She was miserable and could find no way out. She couldn't express herself. She no longer even knew what she would express if she could!

After awhile, she had no opinions. She had no thoughts, no preferences, no words. She was on auto-pilot, going through all the motions, yet feeling nothing. Her only emotions were fueled by her children; her love for them was fierce. But aside from them, she was stone. She ended one marriage, and her second was in serious danger. She needed to come alive again.

She needed to write.

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I need this bootcamp even more than I realized. I need to feel, to think, to postulate and to have opinions again. I need to stop being afraid to write. I need to stop worrying about people not agreeing with me, or liking me, or that I must be wrong if someone else thinks differently. I need to be less afraid of confrontation. I need to be strong enough not only to develop an opinion, but to argue it if necessary. I know I can't do this without writing. I can't think clearly enough to do this without writing.

I didn't realize before writing this post how much of my life I have missed because I stopped writing. When I stopped writing, I stopped living life to its fullest and I lost me in the process. Twenty years is a long time, but another twenty will be gone in a flash. And if I don't start writing now, I will have missed that, too.

I don't want to be an automaton any more. I want to enjoy life because there is so much there to enjoy. I don't want to just watch anymore, envying all those who seem to play without caring what they look like, to talk without worrying that others might disagree, to care without fearing the pain that might result. And I don't think I can do this without writing. I don't process things well if I don't write them down. So even though I may not make my fortune through writing, I will realize a greater reward in a life well-lived...even if it's missing 20 years in the middle.

I didn't know what I was going to write about for my five minutes tonight. I was really wishing for one of those prompts Kai talked about! LOL! Instead, my writing time extended well beyond five minutes and I had an epiphany of sorts.

How great is that? :-)

About voice

I've been thinking about voice. One of Bootcamp's goals for blogging is developing our voice. But what, exactly, is voice? And how do I know when I've developed mine? Is voice something I'm even capable of recognizing in my own writing?

To me, "voice" means a distinct style of writing unique to the writer. When you read their writing, you know it's theirs without being told. They maintain that style no matter what they write. This doesn't mean they can't write different type of articles, stories, or whatever. But, then I wonder, how do you keep everything from sounding the same?

The more I think about voice, the more I confuse myself.

Starting to think about priorities

I'd love to write articles for magazines, but I know I need to earn cash right now, and copywriting is the path of least resistance in that respect. I've done a little bit for DH, and may have an opportunity with a sculpting company to do some brochures, etc. However, I haven't even written my own website copy yet. I purchased a template that works with FrontPage, but I don't have it up and running yet. It's not that I think I can't write effective copy. I'm most afraid of actually getting a client and not getting the work done on time. Like I mentioned in one of yesterday's posts, my time management skills need polishing.

As for writing magazine articles, I'm currently enrolled in the Long Ridge Writers' Group Breaking into Print program. I took a 3-month hiatus after Molly was born and still turned my assignment in nearly two months late. Not boding well for a successful freelance career.

My problem is I put everything else first. Instead of saying, "I'll switch the laundry after I schedule an interview or write a section of my draft", I say, "I'll work on my assignment after I finish the laundry," or "...balance the checkbook," or "...work on DH's books." I don't put my writing as a top priority, so of course, no one else does either.

The State of My House (1-c)

How is my house, you ask? Well, I touched on that briefly in my previous post. It's cluttered. WAY more cluttered than I like. But it's mostly toys, with dh's stuff scattered here and there, and all my paperwork scattered around the living room (where I tend to work). Once everybody is moved into their new rooms, my 3yo's old room will be my new office. YAY!! That will eliminate the paper/book/magazine clutter in the living room.

Then there's the dog hair. Love my black lab dearly, but I'd love him more bald. Judging by the quantity of hair constantly falling off of him now that the weather has turned hot, he should be bald. But no...not even close. Dh is jealous! hehe

But aside from the clutter, the dog hair, and the general chaos that comes with having worker guys in and out of your house all day long, my house isn't in horrible shape. I do laundry every day...wash, dry, fold and put away. I hate dishes in the sink, so that's not usually a problem. I tried FlyLady once...even bought some feather dusters... and I do still keep my sink relatively shiny. But I like to go shoeless at home. And I get enough e-mail that I don't have time to read--much less act on! I dust when it's dusty, vacuum on an almost daily basis and constantly clean fingerprints and tongue-licks from the mirrors and windows. I hate cleaning the tub, but I will do it when necessary.

Like Katie-Anne, I work much better when our home is clean. It's much less distracting, and it's a much more pleasurable environment in which to write. So while my home is far from pristine, it's not a pigsty. I guess most days it qualifies as livably messy...and some days it actually looks pretty darn good.

Where I am now (1-b)

I am at a point where I know what I need to do to earn a living as a writer. I also know how to do it. But I lack confidence, not only in my writing ability but also in my time management skills. I'm afraid to seek work that I won't have time to complete.

Like everybody else, multiple priorities pull me in opposite directions. Unlike everybody else, I feel overwhelmed and I freeze. Instead of knocking one thing off my list and moving on to the next, I think of all the things on my list and do none of them. Part of my problem is that I haven't even made the list! In part "a" of the first assignment, I posted that I haven't been writing and I'm a mess. Not making lists falls into my "not writing" category. And when I don't write down what I need to do, I don't get it done--at least not in any timely, relaxed or reasonable manner.

My obligations are all related to family and working for dh. And when I'm not doing something for family or dh (i.e. doing something for myself) I feel guilty. My only social obligation is that I'm the secretary/newsletter editor for our neighborhood civic association.

Time wasters for me? Reading list e-mails. I justify it by saying I'm learning a lot by reading them. But truth is, not a whole heckuvalot of it is "educational." Enjoyable, yes. Gives me a sense of community? Definitely. Consumes way too much time that could be spent writing? Absolutely.

How much time could I have to write? Honestly, probably between 3-5 hours a day. And if I could get my two youngest to bed at an hour when most infants and 3yos are in bed, I could have more. (Unfortunately, 3 of my 4 daughters are nightowls.) But for now, I should be able to write for a minimum of 3 hours a day...though it will take a great deal of discipline.