Nothing to do with writing

It's already late. My two middle girls sleep peacefully upstairs while hubby teaches my eldest the fine art of poker and the baby fights sleep here in my lap. I'm tired, as usual, though I see little sleep in my nighttime forecast. Again.

This evening we visited my in-laws. We picked raspberries the size of strawberries from the overgrown bushes in their backyard, staining our fingers and clothes with their abundant juices as the mosquitoes filled their bellies with our abundant juices. My mother-in-law's eyes practically lit the yard as she beamed at two of her youngest grandchildren running from bush to bush, putting more berries in their mouths than in their containers.

My mother-in-law was having a good night tonight. The good nights happen less often these days.

My mother-in-law has Alzheimer's Disease.

It's hard to watch this gentle, caring woman, this wife of one, mother of six and grandmother of fifteen worry that she's doing something wrong when she holds the baby. It's awkward when she struggles to remember that "those things that hang from my ears" are called earrings. It's sad to witness her anxiety when she's anywhere but home.

But the worst part is that she doesn't know she has this horrible disease. My husband's family doesn't want her to know.

And so she wonders what is wrong with her.

She has no idea why she can't remember simple words or the name of her street. She's appalled about forgetting to turn off the stove, but not remembering why she turned it on in the first place scares her more.

Everyone tells her that forgetting is just a normal part of the aging process. But even as her brain is dying, she remains smart. I can see that she knows it must be more than that.

What if Alzheimer's is genetic? What if my husband develops it? Or even more tragic, my beautiful, smart, fun-loving, full-of-life children?

I can't even think about that possibility. Honestly, I shut down at the thought.

I know this has nothing to do with writing, but it weighs heavily on me tonight. I guess I'm done.